her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
