and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
