Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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