If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
