6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
