I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
