bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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