u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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