The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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