You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
as a side note pls kill me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
