Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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