Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
