hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
