the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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