i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF