If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
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vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
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I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.