Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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