12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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