nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
