Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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