From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
