She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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