You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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