Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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