I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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