note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
How naked do you want me to be?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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