remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I did not marry a roomba.
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