he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
smell my finger.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
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You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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