The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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