What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
