im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
