I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
