hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
