I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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