dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think I sprained my soul last night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
