i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
