WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
