Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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