the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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