I just saw a hot homeless man
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
