Cold hands, warm shart.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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