my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
