Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
