It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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