Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
