I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
