Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
