you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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