So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
