so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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