the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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