I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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