just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
