it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
