Define "chronic" masturbator.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
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All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.