I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.