Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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