he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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