So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dignity is for republicans.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
