Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
